So the last time I posted on this blog was in September of 2016. Over those two and a half years I’ve kept on paying for the domain name in hope that one day I’d get back to it. Well today is that day.
In that time I’ve been both busy and not so busy. At times I was studying. Other times I was still continuing my long quest of self discovery. Scrolling back down to see some of the posts I made in 2014 and 2015 make me both happy and sad (nice Kasey Musgraves reference that I’ve managed to shoe-horn in within the first 100 words). On one hand some of the posts show how much I’ve been able to grow. On the other the posts also expose some of the emotions I was feeling at the time I’m still feeling right now. I’m constantly fighting myself in my head to remind myself that I’m not a failure, just a work in progress.
With all that said, it’s so much easier to say I’m a work in progress without putting the work in. That’s probably been my downfall in a lot of aspects of my life. Not putting the work in. My mental health suffered for so long because I expected everything to get better on its own. Even when I read my last post, all about mental health I stated: “…in the long run I’ll be fine. Everything will all work out somehow”. I know now that to be not true.
One of the things I’ve been trying to work on is being more vulnerable. My winner pick from the last season of Survivor, Gabby Pascuzzi, has spoken at length of podcasts about the power of vulnerability. She also posted on her instagram story a cute little piece about some rules for vulnerability. I’ll post it below:
I really took it all to heart because another one of my Survivor favs, Zeke Smith, had talked about how “you can’t make connections without vulnerability”. It’s something that has always stuck with me, and something that I want to work on in 2019. I guess in a way even writing this and posting it, is ticking it off.
Another thing I feel like I need to work on in 2019 is being creative again. For a while I lost my drive, which is totally fine, but I’m so ready to be creating again. I’m working on a lot of ideas to achieve this, but one that I’ve come up with it to document my journey to listen to 500 albums by the end of the year. 500 albums in 306 days. Then writing about the music on a separate blog (LINK HERE IF INTERESTED: 500albumscountdown.wordpress.com)
Two reasons for doing this. I feel like from the age of 13 when I started getting into music, beyond what was playing on the radio, I was able to appreciate both albums and hit singles from artists. I consider albums to be a piece of art, that can be sometimes be overlooked. Recently with the rise of Spotify, I stopped buying or downloading a lot of the albums I would of in the past and would just listen through curated playlists.
Secondly back to the vulnerability, music can be pretty private for me. I guess it can be for a lot of people, but when you have passed memories of judgement from others over the pop music you like, it can form what you wanna share with the world. In reality I have a somewhat wide variety of tastes in genres (I think so anyway). So mixing in creative writing and getting more open about what I like, while returning to listening to more long form albums, should be a good move.
Okay so I feel like this is been long enough. The TLDR version would be. I’m back to writing on here. I wasn’t okay for a while. Then I was. Then I wasn’t. Then I was. And now I’m kinda both. I’m going to try and share more, and I need to be more creative. Whether it’s writing my feelings or pop culture takes down here. Returning to podcasting. Or actually working on the script ideas I’ve had for years.
At the top of the blog I’ve had a quote from Chris Pratt’s character on Parks & Rec, which says: “my life is a giant mess, and I love it”. It’s still true that it’s a mess (wouldn’t say giant), but it’s so clear that I can’t go on with the messiness any longer.